This Wasn’t My Plan

My life has not gone the way I have wanted it to. From a young age, I held a specific idea of where I wanted to be as an adult. My idea: married with kids, or at least ready to have kids, a good paying job, and my own house all by the time I was 25. Perhaps this idea came from all of those Disney movies I watched growing up, or maybe it was from what I saw in church. Everyone lived this way. As a Christian woman, this is what I was supposed to strive for.

As you can probably tell, my life did not go according to plan. By the time I was 25, I was single, childless, and I had just quit my job to go on the World Race. I felt broken in many ways, and was not anywhere close to accomplishing the dream I had for myself. 

And then came the disappointment. I was only getting older, surely no man would want to pursue me. I had nothing to offer, no money to my name, and was still healing from old wounds I should have already been healed from. I was well into my Race when I came to realize something. And it was not something I would have wanted to know as a child holding onto this dream. 

It may never happen for me. I may never get to fall in love. I may never get to walk down the aisle towards my husband. I may never get to have children. I may never get to be a mother. The life I have always wanted may always just be a dream. And to some degree, I have to be okay with that. Because my identity is not held in those things. 

My worth and value as a woman or as a person is not held in what the world expects me to become. It is not held in what I have always wanted to be. I am whole right now as a single woman because of Jesus. He is where my identity is. And if I never get to step into those roles, my value and worth does not change. Although my heart deeply desires to have these things, I would rather follow God and serve His people than be a wife and a mother. 

These desires are not bad. They are good. But I have to be content with laying them down and never getting to experience them if God asks me to. I am now 27, and am still not close to getting married or having a family. I still ache for those things. But I know that right now, I am exactly where I should be. And perhaps someday I will get to have those things. Maybe they’re even closer than I think. But in this moment, I am content. 

God will sometimes ask us to lay down our desires. And maybe they are good desires. But we have to come to accept that our value and God’s goodness is not dependent on if we get to have the things we long for. God is still God, and He is still good. And you are still loved and seen and valued whether or not your dreams come to pass. 

How you can be praying for me:

1. My squad – We will soon be leaving to do a domestic outreach. Some of us will go to Kentucky for disaster relief, and the other half (where I’ll be) will be in North Carolina to work with a local ministry. Pray for open and willing hearts. Pray the Lord will bless and anoint our time there, and that hearts will be changed. 
2. My co-leaders – Pray for rest and refreshment. Pray we would be filled so that we can pour out. 
3. Fundraising – Pray into supporting me as I continue in leading and discipleship. Join my prayer team in interceding for me through my ministry. Prayer is powerful and does more than we could ever imagine. Please also pray into supporting me financially. By giving, you help fund my ministry and are a part of allowing me to be the hands and feet of Jesus.