Part of being on the World Race includes exploring more of our identity in Christ. Who does God say that we are? Who does God say that He is to us? I have been in church my entire life. It should be easy for me to answer these questions. But there is a difference between knowing the answer, and believing it to be true.
A few weeks ago, the women on my squad gathered together. We broke up into smaller groups, and each dispersed into different rooms. One of my squad mates began. “Ask God to reveal to you how you see Him.” We sat in a circle and closed our eyes. Alright God, show me how I see you.
After a few moments, we went around the circle and shared what the Lord revealed to us. Each person in the group spoke of wonderful, positive things: Father, friend, provider, constantly there. And then it came to me. Inhale. Exhale.
“I do not see God in a positive light.” I said. “I have always viewed God as being angry with me. Some words that come to mind on how He sees me is disappointed, ashamed, angry, embarrassed, disgusted, and annoyed.” My eyes fell to the ground. I felt as though I was exposed, like I had ripped my skin open, and they could see inside of me.
“Can we pray for you?” A squad mate asked. I was caught off guard by the question. Pray for me? Even though I had grown up in church, I have never felt comfortable with people praying for me and with me. It has always felt as though I was burdening those around me. I have never felt worthy of other people’s prayers. But for some reason, in that moment, I said yes.
A couple of days later, during my time with God, I found myself in the book of Ephesians. I came to Ephesians 2:4 “But God, who is rich in mercy because of His great love with which He loved us.” I paused for a moment. I took out my phone and pulled up the same verse in The Passion Translation. “But God still loved us with such great love. He is so rich in compassion and mercy.” Rich in compassion? I have never seen God as having compassion on me. What does that even mean?
Through some research, I found a couple of definitions for the word compassion. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines compassion as “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” Another definition says “to suffer with” or “someone’s heartbreak becomes your heartbreak”.
I read the same verse again and again. “He is so rich in compassion and mercy”. I couldn’t move. Everything began to break apart. Every negative view I have ever had about God suddenly crumbled before my eyes.
When I struggle with depression or anxiety, He is not ashamed. He sees me in my brokenness. He cares for me in my pain. He is not ashamed, disgusted, or embarrassed me. My heartbreak becomes His heartbreak.
He is not angry with me for suffering. He is angry that these things even exist. He is angry to the point of sacrificing Himself for me. Jesus did not only die for our sins, but He died for our pain and our suffering. That is compassion. If He did not have compassion on me, and if He did not truly love me, then He would not have made the ultimate sacrifice for me so that I may live.
When you think about God, how do you see Him? Are you believing lies the same way I was? And more importantly, are you willing to break through those lies to reveal the truth that has always been there?
Whoa…. Hannah this is such a GREAT read. You’re an incredible writer. Thank you for sharing how the Lord has been speaking to you. You’re words are impactful and your story is so worth telling. The Lord is rich in mercy and compassion and I’m thankful for how you encourage your squad and team! Love you!
Oh Hannah…thank you for sharing something so personal and so thoughtful. I am much older than you are, but I am learning some of the same lessons. What a beautiful heart and spirit you have. I am so excited to see how God will change people all over the world together with you, because you are willing to be real and honest. God bless you, sweet girl!