As I mentioned in my last blog, the squad had entered into gender month during our time in Costa Rica. The women were split up into two teams, and the men were all on one team in the middle of the Costa Rican jungle. Ironically, they were at the same ministry site I was at last year.
Once a week, the women would come together to discuss different topics. The first week was my turn to speak. During my time in ministry, I have discovered that sometimes the best things to speak about are the things you are walking through, or have already walked through. This requires a certain amount of vulnerability and openness. Sharing pieces of your heart with others is hard. Opening yourself up to be seen and discovered is a scary thing. But there is freedom to be found when we are willing to show people our inner most parts.
I have shared my testimony countless amount of times. But every time before I share, I feel nervous. This time was no exception. After our brief worship, I stood in front of the group of women, my heart in my throat. After a short prayer, it was time to begin.
Something I have struggled with for many years is body image. Whether it was comparing my body to others or associating my worth to how I looked, my relationship with my body has been a path I have walked on throughout my life. It has been a contributing factor in the way I have viewed myself, and in how I believed God viewed me.
I stood in front of the women on the squad and began to share. From a very young age, I was very aware of my body and how other people perceived it. It was always a point of focus for me, making sure I looked a certain way and condemning myself when I didn’t. This cycle of self loathing bled over into my relationship with food. Food was no longer something that fueled my body, but it became something I could control. Calories, portion sizes, “good” food and “bad” food, everything was meticulously counted. And while it eventually shrunk the size of my body, it didn’t repair the brokenness I felt. Only Jesus could do that.
My hope of sharing this with them was that they too would feel comfortable in voicing their struggles. Because when something is brought to the light, then darkness looses its power over it.
As I continued to speak, I began to see more of God’s work in my life. Not that I was blind to it before, but my understanding of His love and goodness was broadened. Because even when I found my value in the way that I looked, God was still there. Even when I was in the midst of deep struggle and despair, He still loved me. He loved me then, He loves me now, and He will love me forever. He does that for me, and He does that for you, too. Romans 8 tells us that nothing can keep us from the love of God. Neither angels nor demons nor any other created thing in all of creation can or will keep us from His love. What things are you holding onto that you think can keep you from the love of the Father?
Hey, Zim! This is so awesome! Thank you for sharing your testimony with us, I’m sure that it set a lot of people free. I’ve always loved the scripture that says, we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.” Your testimony is not only powerful for you, but others that need to hear it! Thank you for being such an amazing leader for the N Squad! We love you so much! We can’t wait to get our arms around you in a few days!
Zim! The first word that comes to me, when I think of you, is COURAGEOUS! Because you do whatever is needed to benefit others, no matter how uncomfortable you are in doing so! That’s something I’ve always admired in you; your caring heart for others, and the boldness that it brings out!
I was not aware of you’re struggle with self. It hurts my heart to imagine the enemy lying to you in that way. You are a beautiful lady, both inside and out.
I’m so thankful for all the evidence of God using the very things meant for your harm to turn around and use for your good, and for the good of others.
Press on, my beautiful fearless friend! I love you and I continue to rejoice in your many victories!!!